As a fan of the goblin race, you’re bound to get into arguments with the occasional imbecile (whether in-character, or out-of-character) that insists goblins are evil or that they don’t want to play a ‘monster’ race in a regular campaign.
We’re here to help . . . below you can find some tasty rejoinders to their misguided attempts at argument.
(Let’s hope that this argument was made in-character. If not, your buddy has more pressing issues than your opinion of the goblin race.) This is the kind of argument that might be made by a bloodthirsty fellow PC after you’ve decided to show mercy to the poor, starving goblin rogue that led the ambush against your caravan – or by a suspiciously healthy commoner-like NPC trying to get your party to go on a mission of some sort.
Either way, we can help.
IF SAID BY A PC -- well, that’s easy. He’s lying. PCs are not born, they are hatched. 99% of players have better things to do than think about details of their character’s family life. It’s hard enough figuring out where to spend those 25-32 points for ability scores and deciding what your first feat will be, because god forbid you choose wrong, one bad move and the Prestige class you want to take at 6th level won’t become available until 9th. Compared to that, thinking about where maw and paw lived or died pales in comparison.
Besides, players have higher aspirations for their characters than revenge on goblins. If their family’s dead, it was most certainly killed by a dragon or a lich or the Tarrasque. Not a bunch of 1HD creatures. Hell, it’d be more interesting if they had died of influenza.
IF SAID BY AN NPC – he’s probably still lying, trying to get your naďve 1st level party to steal some land for him so he can go in and loot it for himself. Most low-level parties don’t have the high Sense Motive that’s necessary to deal with the tricky high-level Commoners and Experts plaguing small towns all over Greyhawk, the Forgotten Realms, and other campaign worlds. After all – how do you know his family was killed by goblins? How did he manage to survive? He probably killed them himself, and is looking for someone else to take the fall!
There is a long, disturbing history of small towns sweet-talking country-bumpkin adventurers into cleaning out complexes of peace-loving goblins and kobolds so that they can move in when the adventurers leave and mine the hell out of the place. It’s tragic, and you need to convince your fellow adventurers to take no part of it.
IF SAID BY AN NPC, WITH PROOF – this will probably never happen, but there is always a remote chance that an NPC will claim that some folks have been killed by goblins, and has audio/video documentation that goblins were indeed the culprits. (Though one must keep in mind that such things can be faked.) We at the GDF are not blind to the fact that there are ‘bad seeds’ out there in Goblindom. Due to the rampant oppression they face, some goblins eventually snap and lash out at their oppressors. When this happens, it is important to remind your fellow adventurers not to use the actions of a few goblins as an excuse to disparage the entire race.
After all, would it be fair to say that all elves are daisy-munching max-minning twinks? Probably. Still, this is the exception that proves the rule – and doesn’t justify making similar generalizations about goblins.
As Winston Churchill said, “History is written by the victors.” On a similar note, the Monster Manual was written by a group of fevered Tolkien-worshippers clearly biased against the beleaguered goblin race. Throughout history, goblins were portrayed primarily as mischievous imp-like creatures – it was Tolkien’s racist pro-elf and anti-goblin tracts that have led us to where we are today. I mean, we’re talking about the author of sleep-inducing passages like:
In the spring of the year after was born in Gondolin Earendil Halfelven, the son of Tuor and Idril Celebrindal; and that was five hundred years and three since the coming of Noldor to Middle-earth. Of surpassing beauty was Earendil, for a light was in his face as the light of heaven, and he had the beauty and the wisdom of the Eldar and the strength and hardihood of the Men of old; and the Sea spoke ever in his ear and heart, even as with Tuor his father.
and
Upon the left hand of Sirion lay East Beleriand, at its widest a hundred leagues from Sirion to Gelion and the borders of Ossiriand; and first, between Sirion and Mindeb, lay the empty land of Dimbar under the peaks of the Crissaegrim, abode of the eagles. Between Mindeb and the upper waters of Esgalduin lay the no-land of Nan Dungortheb; and that region was filled with fear, for upon its one side the power of Melian fenced the north march of Doriath, but upon the other wide the sheer precipes of Ered Gorgoroth, and my god how many freaking goofy-assed names can one person stick into a lousy two sentences?
It’s clear that JRRRRR Tolkien liked the pipeweed just as much as he liked elves. What’s less clear is why an author of such works came to be trusted regarding the goodness of elves and dwarves and the (purported) evilness of goblins.
Thus, the easy response to proponents of the whole “The Monster Manual says goblins are evil” argument is essentially:
1) The Monster Manual authors took their lead from Tolkien
and
2) While Tolkien could spin a good yarn, he was clearly insane. Mindeb, Dimbar, and Nan Dungortheb? You’re kidding, right? This is not a man we can trust to tell us the whole story on Goblindom, and nor should we trust those who take their lead from him.
There are many reasons why one should ask – nay, insist – that one’s DM run a ‘monster’- centered campaign. (We prefer the term “oppressed humanoid campaign,” or “OPC”) What are the appeals of an OPC?
• It’s fun to play a race with a chip on its shoulder. Let’s face it, the dwarves and elves have got it good. Sure, the elves were pissy for a little while about the -2 penalty to Constitution, but then the Legolas
fanboy designers stepped up and created several hundred other varieties of elves, none with a Con penalty. (Huge surprise.) Need that +2 to Strength? Wood Elf. +2 to Intelligence? Gray Elf. +2 to Dex (but no Con penalty)? Wild Elf. Ugh.
But the goblin and kobolds – they’ve never had it easy. When an PC elf kills a goblin, it’s “how much XP did I get for that? And how far am I away from leveling, so I never have to worry about this cannon-fodder again?” When a PC goblin kills an elf . . . the deed is so much sweeter. Elf ears are lopped off, elf-stew is made, and elf-blood is sipped out of elf-skull.
Dwarves and elves kill goblins and kobolds for experience points. Goblins and kobolds kill dwarves and elves to avenge their ancestors for thousands of years of oppression, home-invasion, and murder. Which sounds like more fun?
• The adventure paths can be quite different when you’re playing an oppressed humanoid. Instead of invading homes, you’re often defending them. Sure, as a bunch of ostensibly ‘good’ PCs you might help defend some village from some goblins trying to regain their homeland, but fighting a bunch of 1HD starving goblins is a much simpler task than defending a goblin complex against a bunch of arrogant, tricked-out elven and dwarven adventurers with 32-point buys.
• How many times can you rotate between human – dwarf – elf – halfling – gnome before you lose interest? Explore your inner orc -- +4 to Strength means that you’ll be even stronger than a Wood Elf. Or embrace Secular Humanoidism and play a Xvart. The +2 to Intelligence you get because of your big, blue head should come in handy. Or play a kobold sorcerer. Life may be tough at the beginning, but in the end, it’s doubtful there could be anything more gratifying than commanding a legion of drow to bow before you or risk incineration by heightened spell-penetrating empowered fireballs. (And then do it anyway!)
Check out our errata’d Monster Manual summaries of +0 and +1 CR oppressed humanoids. You’ll see the correct abilities and skill adjustments for Goblins, Hobgoblins, Kobolds, and Orcs, as well as descriptions of your favorite overgrown smurfs, the Xvarts.
Big Ears, Goblin Paladin – goblinscomic.com 
