A reader suggested that we consider Eberron goblins as evidence that the Wizards of the Coast had not been completely corrupted, that they were a shining example of ‘goblins done right’ in D&D. We were suspicious that anything produced by WoTC could possibly give goblins a fair shake, but you know us, Dear Reader . . . we’re an open-minded group here at the Goblin Defense Fund – tolerant, thoughtful, careful, and, above all, resistant to jumping to conclusions.
Not owning anything Eberronny, we proceeded immediately to the nearest Neighborhood Bookstore. We regret to say that a quick skim of the Eberron-related materials therein was deeply disappointing, and have no choice but to conclude that said reader was a plant, and spends his days spreading WoTC propaganda. His spare moments are likely occupied smoking crack and burning down orphanages.
But we digress. What does Eberron say about goblins?
There are some plusses. Goblinoids have their own (above-ground!) kingdom – Darguun. That’s certainly more than they get in your usual D&D campaign. They are also described as ‘cunning and fierce’, and some even ‘live peacefully among other races’, though as second-class citizens. (If you ask us, it’s time for those goblins to live a little less peaceably, if you catch our drift . . . but, again, we digress.) But . . .
Well, let’s start with the way Darguun, land of the goblinoids, was created. The description is heavy on the words ‘betrayal’ and ‘treachery’ (i.e., a large group of goblin and hobgoblin soldiers turned on their masters and conquered the country they were supposed to be guarding). Friends of Goblins will agree that said maneuvers were both brilliant and justified; the problem is that the Eberron books, while giving credit for the former, fall far short with regard to the latter. Not a word is spent noting the goblins’ moral justification in reclaiming their lands.
On a similar note, we again we have the nasty stereotyping that the goblin race has endured from the beginning of D&D. They are not ‘chaotic’, their intelligence is not below-average, their wisdom is not below-average, but they are constantly described as barbaric savages, though polished up for civilized consumption.
After all . . . the Races of Eberron splatbook notes that
If you’re playing a city goblin . . . remember that your kind has lived relatively peacefully among humans for generations. You would rather not do something to jeopardize that, so keep your barbaric side in check except among other goblinoids.
and
The Ghaal’dar are the most civilized of the goblinoid tribes, but they’re still considered barbaric by most others’ standards.
and
Many of the structures were devastated during the Last War and have been patched together according to goblin sensibilities. The net effect creates a society that appears ramshackle and shabby.
In sum, Eberron goblins are either second class citizens, advised not to act too ‘barbaric’ around civilized folks, or treacherous and backstabbing, members of a country doomed to civil war because of their foolish savage ways.
If that’s the best WoTC can do . . . thanks, but no thanks.
We conclude our investigation of the Eberron goblin by noting that their example of a goblin PC turns out to be a goblin assassin, whose preferred target is – you guessed it – other goblins. We can’t imagine them trying to pull this nonsense with any other race; a halfling assassin who tracks down and kills other halflings is pretty much unthinkable, though, upon further consideration, undeniably appealing.
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